Passive+Voice+Paragraph

Passive Version: There are leaves falling all over the place, onto the sidewalks where I always see a young baby who is being pushed around in a baby stroller by his mother and I can hear the blowing wind whistling past my ears that are freezing.

The Revised Version (the "Standard"): November. Rain. She zips her son’s jacket close to his chin, fastens the stroller belt, and forms the newspaper into a sort of tent over his head. The child squints and wipes the freezing rain from his cheeks. They move slowly through the park, hugging the left side of the sidewalk where a row of Scotch Pines offers some protection.

 Concrete words: rain, jacket, chin, stroller belt, newspaper, tent, head, child, freezing rain, cheeks, park, sidewalk, row, Scotch Pines (14) Strong, active verbs: zips, fastens, forms, squints, wipes, hugging (6) Also: avoid using "as" when you could use "and" instead.  Good Luck! Post the finished piece in the "discussion" section